SELF-love

Dear Journal,

Yesterday, I got sad over Will again. It’s the healing process, it takes time. I feel like he isn’t too comfortable being my friend anymore. Makes me sad a little bit. Actually, a lot more than a little bit.

At 3 pm yesterday, I was done with the day mentally. I felt bad all over again. Did I tell you lost my new AirPods the same day I was heartbroken? Yup, it was a perfect misery sandwich.

I was so emotionally exhauseted that Mr. Mike could tell I was tired and asked if I was sleepy. I was completely done. I took my blanket and went downstairs to take a nap on a couch in ‘the cave’. It is an open space with games and chairs and couches for students to relax and unwind.

I saw my friend Avery sitting down at a table and he asked me if I was okay. I almost lied again and go take a nap but, I just was too tired to care to formulate a lie. So, I said no, and sat down across from him. I told him a lot of things. I told him how I felt like I was nothing of value or importance. I told him how I felt big guilt for wanting to have somebody like me a certain way. I told him how I hated have this bug me and how much I hated this part of existence because it caused too much worry and stress for people like me.

He became an unpaid therapist. Haha. He asked me why for every negative thought I had about myself. Then he said I just needed to see myself through other people’s eyes. Either my friends or someone who cares about me. He also said he thought I had anxiety, and asked me to start loving myself for real to help me improve.

When I said I was too impulsive he said, “well it is better to take action on things that just not do anything about it.”

So the point of this post is, I’m starting to work on loving myself. I’m going to buy me things that make me feel and look Drop Dead GORGEOUS. I’m going to carry myself as the Empress that I am. Because I am SO AMAZING it’s unbelievable. I was like this last year and doubted myself a little. But the doubting got worse this time because I thought I was too much and actively started to become less LARGER THAN LIFE. Because I feared it pushed people away.

I remember a coworker told me that I could be seen as expensive and too much work because I looked the way I did. That’s why I might not ever get chased after.

But you know what? I don’t give a rat’s ass anymore. Or I am working to not giving a rat’s ass. If you can’t handle, appreciate, fight, or step up for me, then walk away. I shouldn’t even hope you like me if couldn’t do those and more. I am a BLESSING to come in contact with. And everyone, especially Will, should recognize that.

I AM WORTH TOO MUCH TO COMPREHEND. I am working towards completely believing this wholeheartedly. If my aura threatens or belittles you, then you do something about it. Because I will do absolutely NOTHING about it.