The Love Department

Dear Journal,

I think I might be the most hopeless romantic human in existence. As in, I am hopeless if it involves anything romantic. The question I always ask myself if I try imagining myself in a romantic situation is, what do I even bring to the table? I am not rich yet, I am not actually fit, I don’t even know so much about anything. Plus, the Universe is insanely meticulous at keeping situations like that far away from me. However, whenever a few slip by Her, She makes sure I get heartbroken.

In the past weeks, I experienced so much. My shin splints got better, slightly better, and I went on to participate in 4 track meets. I beat my record at every single meet I went to. I run 100M and 200M races. So I guess I am officially a sprinter. I got the President’s Rising Star Award and scholarship last Thursday. I don’t even believe it. It was the most important award at the Student Award Banquet, and... I think this should be a separate post.

Anyway, I learned this morning that I might have been looking at, we’re just going to call it love, too logically. I called my brother this morning because I just had a heartbreak. And no, I have never been in a relationship.

In the past, whenever I started to develop feelings for someone, I told them. And every single time, they rejected me. But the thing is, I could tell they liked me back, or maybe they were good actors. Or they just liked the attention and pretended that they liked me back to keep it coming. Yeah, I think so. Because I realize now that during conversations I had with them, I did most of the work. They made good responses but I don’t think they tried as much as I did. Well, duh.

However, whenever I got rejected, I moved on, because I believe people when they tell me no. But, like a switch, they got more interested in me. They contacted me as consistently as possible and told me they missed me. One even told my friend after I moved to America that he would never find someone like me. He still messages me and hopes I will go back home for at least one holiday.

Why?

Ha. He just messaged me.

I hate talking about love and the sort because I think it’s important when other people experience it and foolish when I do. I could be doing something important like learning coding instead of sulking. I wish I could remove that part of my brain that experiences romantic love. Then I’ll be free and effective.

My most recent heartbreak happened yesterday. I started to like this nice-looking guy who started working at the receptionist table of the school gym. I went to the gym just to see him and spent time sitting in a chair next to his desk because we became friends. My friends could tell I liked him, and he acted like he did too. He always stared a little too long, told me I was a princess and he wished he could be the frog, seemed excited to see me, and asked if I could make a famous dish from my country for him and his family. “I’ll buy all the ingredients even though they’re expensive,” he said. Later told me he was doing it for me because he thought I would love to experience home again.

But, he wouldn’t go to get ice cream after work because he was too busy with homework, sorry. He also spoke about and to his ex even though he was over her. And I felt like I was doing the most in conversations again. I thought it was probably all in my head.

He came to work yesterday looking sad and when I asked him what happened, he said he was sad because he was leaving for a different state and there was this new girl he had started talking to and liked. They had spent time together last night and she hugged him for a long time before he left. He told me how perfect she was and how if this was a different lifetime he would’ve loved to date her.

Well, I listened and gave my advice and left. I found out that he spent over an hour last week talking to one of my friends even though she didn’t try to contribute fully. Turns out, he could make the conversation better, but just not with me.

He also liked the attention and played along to keep it coming. He could’ve talked about her in one of the random conversations we had. To give me a hint that he had someone so I would back off. But he didn’t. Thanks a lot, Will.

I hope I lose the ability to love someone that way.